I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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