Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
