Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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