there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Swine flu. Run for my life!
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize