Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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