I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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