Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
it's like heaven, but drunker
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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