did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
