lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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