i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
