i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
