please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
