I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
