He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
