the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
