foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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