I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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