i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i dont even know how to be here
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
