Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
