remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
