I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
