the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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