Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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