i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
