how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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