I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
