On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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