she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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