once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
