I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
