So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
