I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
