Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
