I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
