I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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