you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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