Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
