Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
