Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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