3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
