Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
