Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
