She is in my trunk
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
