my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
