apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
the raccoons are back...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
