I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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