It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
