Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
