I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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