when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
