Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
