I heard we made out
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
