i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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