i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
