Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
