you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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