and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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