Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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