ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
