Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
